Coasting. That's what I've been doing. Just watching life pass me by.
Photo credit to Chaton75
I'm constantly convincing myself that I'm fine but the reality is that I'm far from it. It's been a year and my feelings have not changed. What hope do I have if this is the case? To be perpetually preoccupied by thoughts that no one can do anything about is a pain to say the least. It's mentally exhausting and is an immense distraction.
It's been so long since I was truly happy. I've tried everything. I've tried burying my head in the sand; I've tried suppressing it all; I've even tried talking. Nothing works.
I don't want to just get married, have children and grow old with someone. I want to do those things and be happy. At this rate this doesn't seem possible. To give up your dreams and desires and end up simply just 'settling' because it's 'easier'. I mean, what kind of life would that be?
I'd like to think that there is a reason for all of this, that God knows what he's doing and that he has a happy ending in store for me but I highly doubt it.
I'm usually quite realistic about things, even to the point where I'm sometimes considered a sceptic. But when it comes to this one thing, this one aspect of my life, everything goes out the window. My feelings take over, my ability to rationalise becomes non-existent and it all comes back - hitting me hard in the face like a cold winter breeze. It permeates my every thought and every action and there's little anyone can do to stop it.
These feelings are supposed to feel good, but why do I feel like I'm suffocating? I can't see beyond the immediate future and I'm tired of being 'patient' and waiting for time to heal things. When do I get to start living again? I should just admit it: I'm just not strong enough to deal with it.