Monday 21st February - Deep Musings

Coasting. That's what I've been doing. Just watching life pass me by.

Photo credit to Chaton75

I'm constantly convincing myself that I'm fine but the reality is that I'm far from it. It's been a year and my feelings have not changed. What hope do I have if this is the case? To be perpetually preoccupied by thoughts that no one can do anything about is a pain to say the least. It's mentally exhausting and is an immense distraction.

It's been so long since I was truly happy. I've tried everything. I've tried burying my head in the sand; I've tried suppressing it all; I've even tried talking. Nothing works.

I don't want to just get married, have children and grow old with someone. I want to do those things and be happy. At this rate this doesn't seem possible. To give up your dreams and desires and end up simply just 'settling' because it's 'easier'. I mean, what kind of life would that be?

I'd like to think that there is a reason for all of this, that God knows what he's doing and that he has a happy ending in store for me but I highly doubt it.

I'm usually quite realistic about things, even to the point where I'm sometimes considered a sceptic. But when it comes to this one thing, this one aspect of my life, everything goes out the window. My feelings take over, my ability to rationalise becomes non-existent and it all comes back - hitting me hard in the face like a cold winter breeze. It permeates my every thought and every action and there's little anyone can do to stop it.

These feelings are supposed to feel good, but why do I feel like I'm suffocating? I can't see beyond the immediate future and I'm tired of being 'patient' and waiting for time to heal things. When do I get to start living again? I should just admit it: I'm just not strong enough to deal with it.


  1. My dear, I'm not sure what has thrown you into this mess for the past year, but I'm sorry. This hits my heart soundly: "I don't want to just get married, have children and grow old with someone. I want to do those things and be happy." I understand that fear, that worry. You are dealing with it however you can - just hanging by a string is hanging on! You're going to make it. It's okay not to be strong enough. Hopefully we can keep our faith and have God be strong enough, as we hide in his arms until we're able to stand on our own two feet again. Does that make sense? Am I reading too much of my own situation into yours? I wish you the best. xo @threelittleowls

  2. Cheer up girlie, you have so much going for you that I don't think you can see the wood for the trees. You're only a wee'un and you have a life time ahead of you. What you are experiencing is nothing new, but these days we have text mesages and social media to make the entire process more painful and self-destructive. I guess we all have lessons to be learnt about how to deal with this sort of emotional pain. I think you know what the answer is because you seem to quite adept.

    Be strong and positive and try to focus on who you want to be, and what you want from life. The pain will not go away without some kind of disciplined effort to move forward. You are always going to shed a tear in the heart over this one; it will come in waves of memory, and with the odd glimpse of something that was. Being human is about having memories, thank God for this, thank God that we can hold on and not loose sight of love.

    You have a highly addictive quality about you that others will always find easy to associate with. You are a blessing upon the Earth and deserve what you make out of life, which will be good things I am sure. This past year has been a turmoil in your young heart but it has also been special, in the sense that you have connected with deeper aspects of love and human relationships, you will carry this forward into the rest of your life and it will eventually blossom into the happiness that seems to elude you at present. You are like the young budding Lotus Flower with all the potential to burst open into the glorious sunlight and make a pleasant experience for those who walk by your path.

    Now cheer up girlie and get a smile on that pretty face - I have to go to work so I can't be typing here all day. x