Wednesday 23rd March - Life is a Soap Opera

I could kill someone.

(Photo credit to meemo)

So I've been having troubles with finding a place to live in for the next academic year. A few weeks ago I put in an application with an estate agent, only to be told that I would have to wait a few more weeks to find out whether I was successful or not. So, today, I rang up to try and see if any progress had been made. To my surprise I had got it! But (and what a big 'but' it is - now behave, I didn't mean it like THAT) the estate agent didn't actually know whether the landlord wanted tenants for next year! Now, tell me people, why would you advertise a property if you had not spoken to the landlord yet? Is this not common sense? What a twist! However, my day was about to get even better.

I posted yesterday that I had arranged an interview today for another property - one that I'm really interested in. After the phone call to the estate agents I began to get a bit worried. I now had to make a big decision. Do I go and attend the interview and pretend that everything's great, tell her how interested I am and that I'd be willing to put a deposit down? So, what I did was ring back the estate agent to tell her that I had an interview in an hour and really needed to know whether the landlord needed tenants or not. Naturally, she was in a meeting. And here's where the plot twists once more. Five mins later, I received another call telling me that the interview had been cancelled! The other group who was interested in the property could not make it, so the landlady decided it was not worth travelling in to St Andrews. God was I angry.

I had just told the estate agent that I was going to attend an interview for another property, only for it to fall through. Now there's a chance that the agent doesn't think I'm serious about the property she offered me, and if she decides to withdraw her offer (or the landlord doesn't need tenants), I need to wait another two weeks to hear back from the lady who cancelled on me today. Ergh. Anyway, enough about accommodation.

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Part of me wonders whether I'm living my life for someone else.

(Photo credit to t0x1c-d0LLy)

When I find myself interested in a topic I wonder whether it's because it reminds me of him; whether it's because it allows me to keep his memory alive. I occasionally still see him in what I learn and within the books I read. It's obviously better than before, but it's still happening. I no longer know the difference between what I'm interested in and what I believe I'm interested in.

Clearly some serious soul-searching needs to happen. I hope that my retreat to Pluscarden will help me order my thoughts a bit.

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A friend of mine believes pensiveness is a good thing. That being a thoughtful person is a 'strength'.

(Photo credit to StupidCatOfDoom)

Thinking a lot is good - but only in moderation. It also depends on whether your thoughts are good or bad. It's very easy to get swept away in one's thoughts to the point where reality becomes secondary.

'it's a weakness if you let thoughts be substitute for action, or if you let yourself have irrational thoughts, or if you try to work things out in your head that can't really be worked out, cos then you're over-thinking'

I unfortunately am guilty of all of these things. A lot of the time I try and rationalise every situation or dilemma I find myself in, ranging from the banal to life-changing events. If I don't understand a concept, I can spend ages imagining various scenarios and answers. I'm a very visual person, so when I think it's like watching images flick by on a projector screen. Everything seems so real: the colours, the voices; the smells; the feeling of the slightest touch. I'm completely lost in thought that I'm often found pulling a face like JD.

Being pensive has become somewhat of an occupation for me. It shouldn't surprise me then that apparently this blog makes me sound like a 'hermit'. I'll take it as an insult.