Monday 11th July - Fudge

I'm so angry with myself right now. I'm so angry I've worked myself up and now I'm upset. I've been given a good opportunity to go and do something and I have to turn it down.

I have this thing that holds me back from doing things most people have no problem with. After a long time of bottling things up, it slowly simmered to the surface and reared its ugly head. What angers me is that I never used to be like this. I used to be normal. Life used to be normal. Uneventful. I'm just frustrated that it makes life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

I often feel embarrassed and awkward when I'm presented with a situation that I know will make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not just talking 'Oh I don't like that', I mean full on 'Fudge, I can't'.

It scares me to think that I'm at a disadvantage because of it. That I won't be able to get the job I want because of it. That I won't meet someone who will be patient enough to put up with me. I've become really good at wearing a mask, putting on a brave face and pushing through. The reality is that I'm just about coping. There are times when everything's fine. But then it comes out of nowhere. At the smallest trigger I feel absolute fear.

What do I fear? I can't even tell you because I don't know myself. You'd think it would be something profound like death or God, but it's something I can't place my finger on.

I've been told that I shouldn't try to fight it, but embrace it. But even embracing it makes for a tough ride. When things begin to subside I feel exhausted - physically, emotionally and mentally.

I don't know to do.

1 comment:

  1. Your honesty isn't just honest but very touching and very well expressed. I'm impressed by it. You're not alone. I'm a man older and more experienced than you and I've had similar feelings most of my adult life. It hasn't stopped me publishing a couple of books, making radio and TV programmes, teaching, talking in public, but I know exactly - because you've put it so feelingly - what you mean.

    What to do about it? Don't embrace it, I'd say, but don't think of your life in terms of success and failure either. At one level they exist and maybe you're as frightened of success as you are of failure (Freud wrote a terrific essay called "Those Wrecked By Success"). But the short cut to getting through, getting by, not being dogged by fear, not being held back, is to try to isolate what you do in the context of the pleasure and satisfaction it'll give you. Think of the process, not the end result.

    Andy Warhol once said, you can't tell anybody anything. Apologies for that, then. Happy trails.