I'm so angry with myself right now. I'm so angry I've worked myself up and now I'm upset. I've been given a good opportunity to go and do something and I have to turn it down.
I have this thing that holds me back from doing things most people have no problem with. After a long time of bottling things up, it slowly simmered to the surface and reared its ugly head. What angers me is that I never used to be like this. I used to be normal. Life used to be normal. Uneventful. I'm just frustrated that it makes life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.
I often feel embarrassed and awkward when I'm presented with a situation that I know will make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not just talking 'Oh I don't like that', I mean full on 'Fudge, I can't'.
It scares me to think that I'm at a disadvantage because of it. That I won't be able to get the job I want because of it. That I won't meet someone who will be patient enough to put up with me. I've become really good at wearing a mask, putting on a brave face and pushing through. The reality is that I'm just about coping. There are times when everything's fine. But then it comes out of nowhere. At the smallest trigger I feel absolute fear.
What do I fear? I can't even tell you because I don't know myself. You'd think it would be something profound like death or God, but it's something I can't place my finger on.
I've been told that I shouldn't try to fight it, but embrace it. But even embracing it makes for a tough ride. When things begin to subside I feel exhausted - physically, emotionally and mentally.
I don't know to do.