Saturday 19th May - Pondering

Do you ever get that feeling where you feel like you need to be doing something with your life? Like you are meant for something more than whatever it is you are doing now? Initially I was excited at the idea of finishing university. Now I have mixed feelings. Perhaps it's the constant rain we've had the last few days, or maybe it's because I've just applied for Jobseeker's Allowance. Whatever the reason is I can't shake off this persistent feeling of being unfulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to spend these upcoming days wallowing in self-pity listening to "All By Myself" on repeat. I'm just ... in deep thought.

Simply put, I'm experiencing a bit of existential angst. I've never been sure of many things but at times like this, I'm not sure of anything. I question my "dreams," my actions - past and present - and most of all, I question myself. "Who are you?", "What do you want?", "Are you really free to decide what you want, or are you just a pawn predestined for a certain path?"

Yesterday I spent the afternoon sitting at my desk staring intently at the window, the drops of May racing each other to the bottom. I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking. Not because any of it was particularly personal, but because I can't really remember.

I don't know why I'm thinking what I'm thinking, or why a tear escapes from the corner of my eye for no apparent reason. It's like I've lost control of my thoughts and feelings.

No comments:

Post a Comment