I meant well this morning waking up to my alarm booming out Hanson's 'Mmmbop', but the day had different plans for me.
The last few months I've been struggling with some demons. 2010 wasn't a good year for me generally but just as soon as I felt things were getting a bit better, another dark cloud replaced the one that was just leaving.
St Catherine of Siena besieged by demons
I have the support of family and friends but sometimes these things can only be faced alone. I'd like to say I turned to God and how He has helped me through it all, but if I said that I would be lying. I'm trying to get back to my faith, to what it used to be; back to a time when it was my life, permeating every thought, every action. But life experiences have changed me. I've come face to face with the brutal reality of pain and suffering and I don't think I'm ready.
You might argue that this is the perfect time for me to let God back into my life and to some degree I agree. I've gone back to attending Mass weekly and praying occasionally but it's not the same as it was before. Being Catholic is not about ticking boxes such as going to Confession and taking Communion; one needs to feel Catholic: to trust in God, to be open to miracles, to be able to say wholeheartedly I love and believe the one true God. I cannot do any of those - not yet. The only thing I am certain of is how much of a sinner I am.
I upset people because of some of the decisions I make but I just need to go it alone. I don't want people faffing over me and saying they know what it feels like when really they don't. I then try to amend my ways and allow people in, but all of a sudden they think they know better and prefer to stay away. Well fine, stay away then. My demons are for me to face alone.