One of the main reasons I come to the Philippines is to visit my family. Many people I know travel at most a hundred miles or so to visit uncles, aunts and cousins, and I've been lucky the last four years to have travelled back here every summer.
However, this year another reason for going away was to escape. I somehow think that running away solves the problem, but sometimes these things just need to be faced. I've been 'running' the last few years thinking geographical distance will help, but the mind is a powerful thing. It doesn't matter if I travelled to the moon, the same thoughts would plague me there just as they would anywhere on earth.
I sometimes wish I could turn them off, that there was a Ctrl+z shortcut I could use. I get told that 'time will heal', that 'it will get better', and I know all of that, I really do. But what about in the meantime? How do I deal before the awaited day where I can wake up and be content with it all?
Keeping busy is the best distraction, but it's impossible to keep oneself preoccupied all the time. It just takes one moment of silence, one moment of letting one's thoughts wander and it's back to square one. I should be happy, be grateful for everything that happened but I can't help but think that it shouldn't be this hard, that things should be different. I'm sure of it.
I just wish I could stop asking why.