I didn't sleep last night. I wanted to, I like my sleep. I was also quite tired, but my overworked brain was having none of it. It wanted to remember, to digest, to understand and futilely try and rationalise.
Note, what I want is completely different to what my mind strives for. When I refer to "I" I'm talking about my soul. It's a complex thing the soul. I don't really have the brain energy to try and explain what I mean exactly but this quote by Dostoyevsky sums it up well:
"The living soul demands to live, the living soul isn't obedient to the laws of mechanics, the living soul is suspicious the living soul is reactionary!" ~ Crime and Punishment
The train journey was longer than I would have liked. Not temporally, but six hours feels more like a whole day when you spend it staring blankly out the window.
I don't know how my friends put up with me. I must sound like a badly broken record as I repeat to them so many things that they've heard before. I'm lucky to have them, I really am. Despite giving me sound advice that any sane person would agree with, I always - always - go off and do what I want to do. Which, 98% of the time, is the opposite of what they've suggested.
Had a long, deep conversation with a friend that lasted just over four hours (that's nothing compared to our record - a whopping eight hours). I think the conversation lasted so long because he was trying to get me to see things I can't. Trying to assess my life from an Archimedean point is impossible. I can try and see what people on the outside see but I will never understand. There's living and there's observing and they are two very different things.
He made assurances that I'd like to believe but just can't. My problem is that I'm blinded. And I struggle with that. I really do. It must sound mad but I can spend a good couple of hours, just sitting here, mulling things over. When it comes to this one part of my life, this one aspect that seems to permeate anything and everything, nothing makes sense. I usually think things through, weigh up the pros and cons, think rationally, practically, and more importantly realistically. But this is something else. I can't fit it into a box, it's not black and white, nor is it even your standard grey.
I've been told more times than I can remember that I think far too much for my own good. This blog is testament to that.